It was all my fault.
I had come to the conclusion that if I had done "X" and said “Y” he would have never broken up with me. Little did I think about the fact that he told me I was still amazing and he cared a lot about me meant anything. Nope, the only thing I could think of was that we weren’t “us” anymore.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how every word, every text, every kiss, every heartfelt embrace was a lie and it was my fault. I was not good enough. No matter what others said, no matter how many times I played it over and over again in my head I couldn’t get out the fact that it took 28 years of my life for someone to step up and be with me, but now, now he didn’t want me anymore.
It’s devastating to have someone break up with you. I will never ever play that moment down. And sadly, even when it really isn’t you, it’s the other person; there are forces around you, within you that will play with your heart and mind and convince you that you are not enough, even when it was the best decision; at least at the time.
It took a lot of months and I still struggle with it, that feeling of unworthiness. I joked around with my best friend a few weeks ago about a guy that I thought was really attractive and whom I thought would be interesting to get to know better. After being all girly for a couple emails I got really honest and told her that actually, I hope he turns out to be a jerk, because if he’s a jerk I don’t have to put myself out there again and trust someone with my heart.
All relationships are different and they all end for different reasons. However, the ones that last, the really good ones, they all last for the same reason. They last because both people not only realize that the other person is so worth loving, that no matter what, you choose to be with that person, through good or bad, personality differences or bad habits, but also because you realize that you are SO WORTH LOVING.
It’s going to take time.
For some it may mean not watching romantic comedies, or not spending hours pinning love quotes on Pinterest. It might mean blocking yourself from ANYTHING that has to do with the person who broke your heart. For others it might mean a night or many nights out with the guys doing things that this girl can’t imagine because, well I’m a girl and my way of dealing is different. It might be that you go to the gym, work out more, take better care of yourself and put some work into you.
All I will say is that at some point you’re going to need to forget the person who once valued you. And I promise you, they valued you. The words were not a lie. The kisses and warm embraces were because they desired you. All the plans were meant for you. Something just happened. They might not be ready, you might not be the girl or guy who will be the best in their lives…I don’t know. Just remember that it will get better. It will stop hurting but you need to choose, just like you chose to love them you now need to choose to love yourself and know the value that is inherent in you, as a human, a valued life.
And then, one day…you’ll meet the person who not only understands your value but knows that through the trials of life, the changes in season, the celebrations, the tears, fears and even the piles of laundry you will have to do, that you are worth being cherished…and they will be so grateful because you know you are so worth loving.
And frankly, man or woman…the most attractive quality in a person is someone who understands who they are.