Pressing Pause

Maena St. Paul

I am a control freak.
Now I say that, knowing that no one in my circle of family or friends would label me that way, but I am.
And I didn't realize it until I was forced to surrender all my limited ideas of how things should turn out. And it is a frustrating thing to claim how clueless you are.
I think that's where I am now.
In a labeless space where I can't tell you if the door in front of me is an entrance or an exit
or if it's an old outline of what used to be there.
But what I do know is that this room I find myself in is home for now.
There is a bed for when I need to rest, a work station for when effort is demanded and a kitchen stocked with every encouraging word and ounce of grace I can fill myself with.
And I know that my hands are asking me to keep them open and to hold people tightly
but to never forget how to extend grace by stretching my fingers and letting them go.
And I know this place is working because I finally understand leaving.
That when someone purposely forgets their keys to the space you've shared,
it will always have more to do with them than you.
That maybe leaving is their declaration of self-love and deciding that they have done their best here.
We have to be willing to celebrate people when they move on.
It is not because they've stopped finding reasons to stay.
It's that they have given all they were meant to and there is fresh soil in other places for them to grow.
Know when to fight and know when to let go.

The blaring battle cry charging from behind my teeth has been one of dismissing fear and taking bolder steps.
“what do you have to lose?” i speak out.
because sometimes we put valuables on the line
convincing ourselves that walking away with lesser weight is a bad thing.
thinking we will be defeated if we dare to take a risk.
but the only risk is not speaking up.
it’s not taking the next step and missing out.
it’s letting your finger hover over the SEND button because you’ve come up with ten millions ways it could ruin you.
it’s letting the assumptions be bigger giants than their actual small frames.
here’s the truth you don’t tell yourself enough:
it will always be scarier in your head.

as i said,
this space is teaching me more than i had hoped
and if that means pressing pause so the best can play,
i’m okay with that.
i just hope you’d be too.

 Maena St. Paul

Maena St. Paul