Happy moments. My favorite happy moments seem a lifetime away. I sit here and look at pictures on my wall from the past four years. I see myself laughing and happy. Happy for real.
I see prom. I see performing. I see beauty. I see relationships. I see love and laughter: my most treasured memories, and then I think about now.
Now I see loneliness. I see sadness. I see idleness. I see heartbreak, judgement and bitterness. In the midst of what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, the best four years, I am trapped behind a curtain of insecurity and self hate.
Yes. I am sad. I’m afraid, actually. Paranoid, really, and almost always. I don’t want you to think I’m saying this to make you feel bad for me. I’m not depressed. Technically. I do lead a good life. I won’t deny that. But something inside me is misplaced.
I have to wonder how these things happened. My heart has been infiltrated with the toxic ideals of everyone around me. Somehow, tragically, I have allowed the perspective of my fellow humans to shape my view of myself.This is a fatal mistake.
I don’t have the privilege to entirely cast the blame off myself in this situation. I said I have allowed outside opinions to penetrate my soul and corrupt my self worth: My self worth.
I feel as though I’m sinking. My anchor is partly everyone else, but also partly me.
Partly me. I have some hand in the force that is dragging me down into a place in which I lose track of the sunlight, the happy things and the glittery presence of all that is beautiful.
So now I have this realization. This fact, now come to the surface in this dark place in which I now reside, could be considered an easy fix. Love yourself? Okay.
No. It’s a challenge. It’s a process. It’s hard and messy and full of failure, tears and beauty. Recovery is not something which we obtain by flipping a switch and waking up on the right side of the bed.
Learning this, learning how to correct my mistake, this is something that is a work-in-progress. Right now, I’m still heading downward. I have the desire to pull myself up and out of the blackness of insecurity, but I have discovered that it is not as easy as possessing a desire.
It’s a lifestyle change; one that I ache to achieve and improve upon so i can look back one day and say,
“Hey, I did that. I used to be that, and now I’m this.”
So I hope you’ll watch me and love me and probably laugh at me during this because feeling alone is a side effect of hating who you are. I’m ready to be done with that disease and the daily and numerous repercussions it entails.
I hope to one day relieve myself of it. I hope you’ll find my story encouraging and important.
So my story right now is open-ended. It’s incomplete, unfinished and kind of sad. I’m ready to burst back into my old world of sunshine, music, good coffee, big hugs and things that used to warm my soul. I’m not exactly positive on where to start or how to go about things, but I know the solution, the end product, and the method is self love.
I am so worth loving, and it’s time to make myself believe that again.
Written and loved on by Jordan Bogigian