I’m not really sure when it started. It’s been happening for as long as I can remember. I’ll walk in a room and I’ll immediately feel everyone’s eyes on me. I’ll start imagining all of the negative things they’re thinking about me and then it starts. Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have worn my hair like this. I should’ve worked out yesterday. Why’d I eat those fries?!
I’ll be getting dressed in the morning or putting on makeup and I’ll pick out what I think everyone else will like, I’ll find an outfit that won’t cause anyone to look at me. I won’t wear that cute new shade of lipstick I got because I’m afraid someone won’t like it, or worse, they’ll compliment me on it and everyone will study my new lipstick and decide whether they like it or not. I would do anything to stay in the background, to not cause attention. I feared rejection so much that I was terrified of being noticed. I rejected myself before anyone else would get the chance to. I sanded down all of the edges that made me ME until I was nothing but a dimension-less blob in the background, paralyzed with fear. I wasn’t me, I had no personality, no opinion. I would simply agree with what everyone else was saying and I’d do anything to make someone happy.
My mom is the most beautiful person to me and she’s always been super shy. She’s so beautiful and it always astounds me how she doesn’t see it. One day, my mom and I decided to go shopping. I sat in her room waiting for her to get ready. She was trying on a new shirt she just got, it was really pretty. It was colorful and flowy and it made her blue eyes pop. But she just looked at me and said, “Are you sure it’s not too much?” I assured her she looked great, but she took off the blouse and threw on a sweatshirt. Then I saw her fiddle with her hair she had just straightened to wear down and I watched as she pulled it up into a ponytail. It was then it occurred to me, my Mom was trying not to be noticed. In front of me stood this beautiful woman wearing a sweatshirt, hiding how beautiful she was from the world. I asked her why she changed and she said the sweatshirt was more comfortable. Part of me believed that it was the cooshy fabric of the sweatshirt that made her comfortable. The other part, however, knew that it was the security of not standing out that made her comfortable in that sweatshirt.
As I looked at my Mom walking around the mall in a sweatshirt, I realized how often I changed myself for others. How quick I was to give up something for someone. How I put others on a pedestal and gave myself no worth. I looked at my mom and thought she should love herself, but I never would’ve thought the same thing about myself. I saw my mom as someone who was worthy of their own love. I love So Worth Loving and everything they’re doing. I always thought it meant you were worthy of love from others, but it’s not just that. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE FROM YOURSELF. Love that doesn’t want to hide who you are. Love that wants to further you. Love that wants you to be happy. You’re so worth loving.