I’ve wanted to write this for a long time. My life and thoughts, of growing up without a father. Let’s start at the very beginning. My mom married my dad in 1984. It is so weird just typing the word “dad”, from now on we will refer to him as I know him; Herman. My mom had just turned 23, and couldn’t wait to start a life with Herman. Her childhood was a “real” one, although she aimed for the “bad” guys. She didn’t fully understand what she truly deserved in a husband until after he left. My mom, (Karen) grew up playing every sport, on prom court and a very well rounded woman. Herman was born in Annapolis, Maryland and grew up most of his life there. His parents raised 2 boys and one girl. After they were married they began a life in Maryland.
Fast forward, and their first child was born. My brother Austin was welcomed into the world of January 1985. Time went on, my dad was a cop in Maryland and my mom a stay at home mom. Before my mom was given a set of twins, she miscarried 2 babies. One of them was my brother Jacob. In 1991, she gave birth to him in hard labor. This tore my mom up, while Herman was emotionless. My mom felt alone. What had happened? When my brother was 6, they moved down to Florida where a little over 3 years later Kristin ( my twin) and I were born.
Let’s skip to the part that I began this blog for. When Kristin and I were 4 years old, Herman left. I know what you are thinking. Why? How? Have you seen him since?
There are more details than I could ever type but he left 3 kids a wonderful mother behind to do everything. Over the years, we have seen him locally in town, at public places or at a red light unaware that a family is so close yet so far away. Here we are, 21 years old and I don’t remember the last thing that my father said to me.
After a nasty divorce, no child support and running from the law, all I want is for him to know is that he’s so worth livings
Surely, it has been tough don’t get me wrong. My life is a story and I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. My amazing mom taught me everything I needed to know that a father would teach his children. My mom handled it all.
Even though I will never gain an earthly father, my soul and heart will be found in love alone. May he find and feel that as well.
Ladies, this is for you. Kristin and I are proof of average girls who did not grow up with someone to call dad. There is no guy, whatsoever that will forever fill that gap in your heart or empty space. That is your true fathers’ position.
I can’t tell you how many girls I have been influenced by or been in contact with that search for that man figure and approval in their life because they did not get that growing up. I am here to tell you, it is possible to run far away from that. If you are familiar with my past blog posts, I have never had a boyfriend, and still have my first kiss to give away when I am shown on who it needs to go too. Growing up without a father, ladies, just know, Do not go searching for attention from boys. You are far too worth it. I am truly content on waiting and humbled daily for giving me strength to not search for approval from guys like most girls in this situation would do.
All in all, I regret nothing of this life.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are with, just know that I love you and I think of you always, dad.
Written and love don by Kaley Dignen