lost&found.

it started almost four years ago when the police officer knocked on our front door that night.

“there’s been an accident.”

i felt my knees buckle and the breath escape my lungs. i felt the walls cave in and the pieces of my world start to crumble.

i knew i had just lost the one person who knew me better than i knew myself.

i knew i had just lost the one person who could light up my life even in the darkest hours.

i knew i had just lost my best friend since birth.

you aren’t supposed to lose your older brother at the age of 19. you aren’t supposed to watch your parents bury their oldest son. you aren’t supposed to hear your dad cry himself to sleep at night or watch the light fade out of your mama’s eyes.

yet there i was.

trying to hold it together, yet letting myself fall further and further apart until i found a comfort in my sadness. and a friend in my suicidal thoughts.

yet there i was.

trying to believe in love and life and laughter again, yet tearing apart my body for a peace of mind i still have not gotten.

i found myself losing friends, dropping grades, and withering away before my very own eyes.

i denied requests to seek a therapist. i tossed pleads to seek any sort of help out out the window.

i was strong. i could handle this on my own. i wasn’t broken and i surely didn’t need anyone telling me i was.

but i quickly found that the longer you bottle something up, the greater the impact when it finally explodes. 

i was diagnosed with depression and was prescribed anti-depressants by my new therapist just a few months ago. 

i’m not nearly close to the person i want to be. but i’m not anymore the person i used to be. i have lost myself. but i am slowly finding myself.

there is nothing wrong with accepting help or allowing yourself to be loved on. it doesn’t make you any less of a person and it doesn’t make you weak.

everybody needs somebody sometimes. and you owe it to yourself to find that somebody. whether in a friend, in a therapist, in a teacher, etc. 

you are so worth loving. and beautiful. and worthy of a beautiful life.

no matter what darkness you have held. no matter what battles you have suffered.