I’ve always found importance and value in admitting that I’m not okay. I’m not afraid to say all of this because feeling things doesn’t make me weak, dramatic, crazy, etc. The next time someone asks you how you’re doing, try responding with how you actually are…it feels a hell of a lot better to be real than it does to pretend—don’t pretend. My responses this week have been a mixture of “great,” “okay,” “not great,” and “whatevah, I’m livin’.” I’m realizing that I’ve never been as vulnerable as I am now, so I’m just going with it and sharing this all because we’re all hurting in some way, I think…why not hurt together? Why not share and be real and raw?
Last night I ate the first full meal I’ve been able to stomach in about one week. This morning I woke up with a lightness about my chest. For days I’ve had a heaviness hovering over me each morning, but this particular sunrise felt easier to face. I’d like to think that I woke up lighter today because I’m beginning the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is strange because it often feels like someone else has won the battle. Forgiveness is also immensely difficult when the other person you’re attempting to forgive is yourself.
When I’m feeling any sort of hurt, I tend to blame myself…don’t we all? You beat yourself up trying to fill in the gaps and figure out how you could be so oblivious. When things fall apart, it’s almost easier to blame yourself because you’re trying to believe that you can avoid all of this pain in the future. If you can just figure out where it all went awry, maybe you will never have to feel this way again.
I can’t go back and change anything at any point in my life, and frankly, I wouldn’t if I could. I can’t fill in the gaps of the past because they look different now. People change in an instant—maybe not in what they are, but in how you see them. Sometimes, you have to mourn the loss of someone not because they are actually gone, but because they’re someone other than who you thought them to be or hoped that they could be. Sometimes, you have to accept this fact graciously, without sadness or anger, because that’s the only way to fully accept change and move forward; it’s the only way you can truly separate yourself from it all. But, with all of this, you just have to let the process play out. I’m not going to rush forward and “be okay” when I’m not, even though I’m starting to be.
I’ve had a sort of wonderful turn of events because I get to start loving myself all over again. I’ve found myself again…have you ever felt that before? It’s like seeing an old friend and picking right back up where you left off.
Ask me how I’m doing today, because whatevah…I’m livin’.
Written and loved on by Gabrielle Diandra