Loneliness. It’s the story that I let define my worth.
It just knocked me down. Again. I find myself utterly exhausted from fighting to keep hanging on.
That’s what my therapist told me. “Keep hanging on. This is a transitional moment. Things will get better.”
Do you know how many times I’ve heard that?! How long I’ve been hanging on?! That this transitional moment has lasted my entire life?!
I. Am. Alone.
It’s nothing new. And it’s not an exaggeration. I’m 31 yrs old without a true friend to my name. And not just today. All 31 years have been void of meaningful relationships. I’ve never understood it. I actually think I’m a person worth knowing, worth loving. But, no matter what I do, no one I’ve come in contact with seems to agree.
Do you know how that feels? P!NK says it perfectly “Do you ever hate yourself for staring at the phone, waiting for the ring to prove you’re not alone”. Yes. I do. Every. Single. Day. The silence is deafening.
I got knocked down again by a guy, of course. I thought he was “The One” despite treating me as nothing more than a friend, breaking up with me 6 times in a year, the final time leaving me carelessly in his wake like I never even existed in his world. I convinced myself I stayed for love. I call BS on myself. I stayed, and compromised every desire I have for a romantic relationship, because I didn’t think a man, a real M A N, would find me worth loving.
Hell, I’ve stayed with a job for 7 years that’s not right for me because I think it’s all I can get.
Life has done a really good job proving that nobody wants me or sees what I have to offer. If only people gave me a chance and saw me for M E. I’m worth it. I so am.
But really, am I?! Then why all the rejection, exclusion and invisibility in the world?! That internal battle drowns me. It affects every aspect of my life.
I don’t have any answers or any plan other than make it through each day as best I possibly can. Waking up and facing yet another day alone is usually the last thing I want to do. But I do it. I fight. There was a time when I hated myself, when I hurt myself, when I tried to end myself for being someone nobody wanted. The scars remind me of how far I’ve come. No matter the thoughts that still hate me, I know I will not act on them. I’m proud of that because it means I found love and respect for myself. That’s huge!
I can’t make people notice me, much less like me, but I can make sure I notice and like myself. Maybe even love myself.
A tattoo over my biggest scar reads “Every heart has story to tell”. This is my story. Share yours. We need to know we’re not alone in our experiences. I totally think I am but there would be comfort in knowing I’m not. Be real. Get to know people. Stop judging. Give 5 minutes of your time to a stranger. You never know the amazing people you’ll meet if you just open your eyes, mind and heart. If you saw me out, you’d never know I’m not there alone looking for “me time”. I’m, in fact, just trying to break the silence and be around people. It takes great energy for me to be there and to resist the tears that want to flow as I watch everyone around me talk and laugh with friends and lovers.
Love yourself. AND love others (outside your circle). We are all worth loving.
Written and loved on by Laurie