I am a newlywed, married the love of my life in March, and it was the perfect fairy-tale I had always imagined. Life was wonderful. Come summer, we get even more amazing news (something my significant other had always longed for): I was pregnant. While we weren’t trying, we weren’t preventing either and until that moment when I saw that life-changing blue line, I never realized how much I wanted to be a mom. It was an exhilarating feeling, and we were on such a high, we were happy, we were in love and we were excited about the future.
Fast forward eight weeks later to the day I had my miscarriage. After the horrible initial emergency-room visit, the next few days were filled with OB appointments, blood draws, many tears, and painful agonizing cramping. I truly thought the hard part was over and I could try and move on: something I have been fairly good at in life.
My thoughts started to go to dark places. I was now jealous of my friends with kids and couldn’t look at pictures because I would immediately cry. I had no will to do anything, and for weeks I sat on the couch and wouldn’t move. I avoided seeing anyone at all costs. The only place I was obligated to go was work, and that’s all I did. I felt like I had failed as a wife and as a woman. I was embarrassed and devastated. I felt alone and like no one could understand how much pain I was really in. Most of all I couldn’t understand why God would want this for us. What had we done to deserve this? Everything seemed so perfect in my eyes.
I don’t cry everyday anymore; not even close. I will never forget about the first time I was pregnant, and I’m now prepared for next time with all the books I now have, those cute onesies from my sister, and pair of maternity pants I bought. I still don’t know why it happened, I probably never will. What I have learned is a much more valuable lesson.
There is no right way to grieve, and no limit to the amount of time it will take but you can fight your demons. This is not a dead-end road. So many people love you more than you know. The change is in your thoughts, your heart. You have to believe better things are coming, and be so thankful for the things you do have every single day.
It is impossible to be negative when you have gratitude. If I could just help one person get through the hurt and loss of a miscarriage, I will gladly share my story. It gets a little easier each time I do.
Written and loved on by Sasha