But really, Why?

                

I’ve always believed that I had a certain path, that there was one thing I was always supposed to do. I’ve always, my whole life, wanted to be an actor. And I moved away from my home to try and be that. Lately, I’ve started wondering, “why?” Why do I want to be an actor? And I’ve also wondered why I haven’t given up that dream. It could be my ego, or it could be completely legitimate reasons. But how on earth do I figure that out? I’ve spent a lot of time working on my ego. Realizing that it does, in fact, exist (despite how much I hate to acknowledge that). I let my ego control a lot of things. I don’t like to admit failure. I don’t like to be publicly embarrassed. I worry what other’s think of me, often. I started to wonder why I continue to dream of being an actor when there are so many other things that I am capable of, so many other things that I truly care about.

I realized that my life doesn’t have to be already written, and that I can change my mind if I want to. Maybe if I change my mind about pursuing a career in acting, maybe that’s not a failure. It’s completely possible that I could find something I wanted to do more. I’ve been so stubborn on my path to being an actor that I’ve refused to even consider another option. I didn’t want people to think of me as a failure, even though I never really tried as hard as I could have. I’m not saying that I am letting go of that dream just yet, but I am saying that maybe that’s not my only path.

I went away to Yosemite for a week with my boyfriend and his family last week. I had never in my life experienced beauty like that before. I had never hiked 8.2 miles to the top of a mountain and then hiked another 8.2 miles back down. I saw things that I had never seen before and it made me realize how much more I haven’t seen of the world, and also, of myself. 

I’m the one who put myself in that box of being a certain idea, a certain type of person. I was the one with the expectations. I had this idea of who I would be and it’s quite possible that I could have been closed minded about that, and that’s totally okay. I am who I am, and maybe there are different paths that I can take. I am on a journey of understanding myself, and I love the epiphanies I’ve had along the way. The things that I’ve become passionate about are somewhat intriguing. I started watching The West Wing and I realized that I care about politics (I know, strange way to figure that out), and I went down to OccupyLA. Where I learned just how much I care about politics. I learned to start speaking up about the things that I care about in my personal life. Human rights, women’s rights, body acceptance, what we’re putting into our bodies, the way the media is manipulating us in many ways and many more. I want to do something about these things. It’s quite possible I should have taken my mother’s advice when she told me to go to school for journalism. But let’s be real, hardly anyone really knows what they care about when they’re 18. If you did, I’m jealous of you. 

Anyway, my point in simple. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to follow more than one dream. You’re allowed to become whatever type of person you want to become. The things you learn you care about through life may surprise you, just go with it! You’ll live a more satisfied life if you get to know your ego and put it aside and begin to ask yourself, “Why?" 

You don’t have to be the person that everybody else expects you to. You can really be the person that you want to be.

-Tara Jean