By: Maena St. Paul
this season has been a weird one.
the kind that touches your body like a Brillo pad and leaves nothing but dead skin on the floor and vulnerability on your back.
and the hard part is that in the beginning, i was excited.
because i could taste all the novelty and forward chapters promised for me.
and i still do.
i'm just starting to realize that i'm gonna have to go through all the gunk to get there.
so as a resolve, i made an appointment with my therapist.
a new one this time.
and if you've ever had more than one therapist in your life, you know the anticipation and apprehension that sits in the center of your chest when you're switching counselors.
it's almost the same one you get when you're about go on your first date.
you're afraid of what they might think of you.
how they'll react to all the pieces you put on the table, seeing if they could match up like dominoes.
you start reconsidering it but knowing that deep down, this is what you want.
and in this case,
what you need.
because my head has been a mess lately.
and it hasn't felt so disorganized in nearly a year.
i think i took for granted all the peace and clarity i had because i figured they would always stay with me.
that maybe when the sky was full of thunder, they would know to keep to my side and hold me together until the storm passed.
but one day, when i woke up with the sky in the darkest shade of gray,
peace and clarity were nowhere to be found.
and i felt abandoned by my own mind.
my own spirit couldn't keep itself together anymore.
and so i asked God what was wrong with me?
because i know all the truths.
i know i carry value and worth and i am full of light because of who He is.
but how are you supposed to move anyway when your body can't keep its hands together long enough to hold all that weight?
so instead i made an appointment.
this isn't a talk about how to get to the end of the tunnel.
it's a conversation about how to recognize when you're in the dark and admitting when you need help looking through it.
that making appointments,
or showing up at a friend's doorstep is a victory anyway.
it's accepting your season and being okay with asking for help.
it does not make you weak.
it does not make you small.
it makes you bold.
and aware that you are worth that help.
you are worth someone bending down on their hands and knees to pick up your sharp pieces.
you are worth the cuts on their fingers in an effort to put you back together again.
you do not decrease in value; you are not a price tagged item.
you are effortlessly magic and you are worth being treated as such.
by you and everyone who gets to know your name.
i am asking that you would stand in front of yourself and decide that you will ask for help because you deserve your best self.
we all do.