By Mary Ann Hussey // @maryannhussey
Dear So Worth Loving Family (and anybody else who is lost, too),
I used to wonder how long my loose ends would stay loose. I felt like I never fit anywhere, that I had to squeeze myself into places I didn't belong. Like sticky putty. I could easily mold myself and make myself fit, but somehow it was never right. I'm not sure it is ever completely right for anybody. We all need that sense of belonging, but most of the time we feel like the elephant in the room, or the armadillo, even. Too misplaced.
I morphed myself into the person I thought I should be in order to love the people I loved. I convinced myself that I was passionate about certain things because I felt like, if I wasn't, I wouldn't mean as much to the people around me. I threw my love at boys who, even though they were good, didn't love me the way they should have. And, looking back at it now, I didn't love them the way I should have. I think I just wanted so badly to be in love.
Despite not fitting, I have nothing but celebration for the lessons they taught me. They were wonderful friends who swam with me in freezing lakes and always gave me a shoulder to cry on. I loved them. There is no doubt in my mind about that. But like I said, not the way I should have. I convinced myself that I felt completeness in their arms, but I don't think you can ever really feel completeness inside of somebody else if you don't first feel it inside of yourself.
So now I'm here, waiting for my English class to start, wondering if I'll ever fit anywhere--but, mostly, not really caring if I do. I think that's what makes us all work. We don't fit. We're restless. We want to love and discover and create. We're young and we're just trying to move forward. And it's scary. I'm sorry that it's scary.
But I think we also need to remember that the person across the room from us, the person who we've never talked to before, they don't feel like they fit either. They're figuring it out, too. And that's where the "me too," part comes in. We are never alone because everybody feels lonely at times. There are people out there who know your heart and who love it with all of theirs, and they'll be there while you figure out how to fit into certain places, while you figure out that, sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you won't fit into certain places. And that's okay. You're not for everyone. Neither am I.
So love the people who choose you, and choose the people who love you. And, in the in between, dark areas, choose and love the people who don't choose and love you. Be in their corner, even if they're not in yours. That's what faith does. Have faith in yourself. And when you do, when you love and love and love and cry and cry and love, you'll realize that, along the way, Jesus and your own skin and bones have always been your home. That life hurts a lot of the time, but most of the time it's pretty freaking beautiful.
And if it feels like I know the answers, I don't. This whole message was navigation inside myself. So, if you relate to any part of this, me too. Me too.