by: Maena St. Paul
i've been fighting my anxiety quite a bit lately.
the hard part is that i can't exactly thumb tack it to any particular space in my life; it's just kind of hovering and occupying all my neighborhoods, trying to convince me it's my "friend".
but you and i know that it has everything but my best interest at heart.
it would rather keep me from my friends and keep me stuck in my bed and question whether or not i can even show up today.
but i've been showing up anyways
because i learned a long time ago that when you deny the prank call whispers trying to shove you down, you teach yourself to push back up.
you remember the bigger and bolder things you're made of and live in that truth.
you stand in front of yourself and admit that it's hard but you've been here before and things don't have to be such a repeat of the first time you fell.
and i know the excuses feel safer to you.
softer, like promises stuck in only words.
but they are just too fragile to keep you.
to launch you forward and closer to the person you want to be.
they'll just keep you stagnant and still.
and you won't evolve in that space.
you won't grow.
it's like that old movie, Tuck Everlasting, where he drinks the water and makes stillness and youth seem flowery and kind.
but you find out that it's painful and detrimental
because we're not built to stay this way forever.
i'm trying to learn how to look my anxiety in the eye and call it what it is.
because it keeps calling me things i'm not,
fabricating scenarios that have never taken form and making me think i have no control.
i'm trying to remember that i can still move.
and part of moving for me is admitting when i can't feel my legs and then meeting someone else in that same space.
because most days, admitting 'me too' is like walking someone home until they feel safe again.
so don't be afraid to find your person.
make that phone call.
send that text.
show up at the doorstep.
do what you need to do to find people who will be bold for you and hold your hands up like Aaron and Hur did for Moses when he grew tired.
the fight needs to keep going and it demands all our energy.
so it's okay to need people to hold us up when we can't.
even if it's a quiet walk where words are spent and fully exhausted.
enough has been said.
so start moving.