Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Just a number? to me…well, at the time of this writing it’s actually how many hours it’s been since I decided that my life was worth something. Yes I keep track of it. It’s important for me to know where I’ve been. The journey that I’ve been on since zero hour has been, at times, hard and filled with pain, at others, beautiful and filled with love. I have learned so much during these hours. You would think after so many, I would have nothing left to learn, but as it turns out, I still have so much. In fact, I think I’ve learned more in the last 5800 hours than ever before. You see, around 5800 hours ago, I discovered Eryn and So Worth Loving. During the past 8 months I discovered this wonderful thread of continuity that connects us all, and I’m so thankful for this amazing community, but I have a confession to make. Even though I write for So Worth Loving, and talk about self worth and loving yourself, I still struggle with it.
Instead of being proud of the woman that I have become I stare into the mirror and dissect each part of me I don’t like.
Writing this is not easy. Even as I sit here typing away at my laptop tears fill my eyes because writing this out, putting each word down in black and white, simply confirms that I still struggle so much and I feel like a failure.
You see, just like you, there are parts of me I do not like. Although my mission in life is to show each of you how valuable you are, I still struggle with knowing my own value. I couldn’t take it any longer, feeling like I was lying to myself and to you by saying that you need to know you’re so worth loving, when in reality I have days that I feel far less than perfect in so many ways. My hair isn’t long enough, blonde enough, straight enough. My arms aren’t yet toned enough, my tummy flat enough, my legs long enough. I haven’t accomplished enough, or have saved enough money.
“It’s not enough to choose someone, they have to choose you.”
It’s a funny thing, as a writer, to write a line that breaks your own heart. Funny/tragic, I guess. I do this when I’m alone, write romantic stories that may never see the light of day, with heart-rending morals oddly reminiscent of my own. And I’m alone an awful lot.
I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even been on a date. That’s my big secret. Or one of them. It’s not entirely for lack of trying; it’s not that I haven’t wanted to, desperately. But circumstances and my own personality have intervened. I tell myself I’m not the kind of person to just ask women out on dates or to date a lot of different girls. That’s not me. And it’s true. Really, I’d settle for just one. Forever.